I'm bored. I'm lonely. I feel unloved. I don't know what to do with my time. I suppose something productive, something that might give me a feeling of fulfilment. Something like...writing!

But then I have this whole problem of what to write about. I recently burned through "ask the dust," by John Fante. He wrote about himself. He didn't really have a message, he just told a story. I have been thinking recently that there isn't really anything I feel the need to express to the world. I have no strong beliefs of which I wish to convince the universe. I don't deteste anything to the point of wanting to scream it out. Except perhaps the sheer ridiculousness of life. I worry that the things I would write about are negative and unproductive. I could write about how stupid life is, but what would that accomplish? Bring down the the rest of the world with me...I think not. Then again perhaps I care too much about my audience. I have a desire to write something great. I don't feel anything great. I am apathetic. I just don't care. Well I do. About a girl. Another girl. Then another. Great. I can join the throng of broken heart poets lamenting their inability to take control of their lives.

Upon closer inspection...I want affection. Someone to fill this hole inside. Or at least distract me from its gaping. I'm sad because Lisa won't look me in the eyes. When she does I see contempt. Who would've thought that an awkward admonition of interest would ruin a relationship. Well...lesson learned. Burned.

Fuck poetry. Bullshit pretentious wank. Fuck girls. Heartache, drama and shit. Fuck my self loathing. Fuck feeling. I want drugs. Something to take the edge off life. I want to curl up in a dark corner and revel in my insignificance...and I want someone to find me. I don't want to express my loneliess. I don't want to be needy. I want someone to notice without me having to reach out. I don't want them to know I need them.

My ego is fucked. There is so much bullshit obscuring what's inside. I don't want to keep on acting, but it seems that letting it out is dangerous.