love, lust and blunderbussed

I found my thought spews this morning quite lucid, so I'm going to include them here. I've been thinking I need to make this blog more based on my journey than intellectual masturbation, so feel free to skip the next bit if pseudo salient goo goo ain't your thang (EVERYBODY).

Is repression ok? I remember saying to Em once that I'm an all or nothing kind of guy.  If I feel compelled to hold back some aspect of myself, it tends to taint my entire personality, and often only succeeds in making the repressed aspect stronger a la "What you resist, persists." Thanks Dr. Phil!

Freud said in Civilization and its Discontents that every member of society is at odds with the society it belongs to. That in order to live with each other peacefully, every individual must repress his animalistic desires to fuck, kill, steal and wear Hello Kitty underwear all willy nilly. But repression, says the old doctor, comes at a cost: neuroses. 

Now while I am an undeniable fan of old Claptrap McSteeljaw (Freud), I tend to keep in mind that he was somewhat of a whack character, snorting up cocaine like a steel jawed warthog and thinking dirty thoughts about his mother. But in regards to repression and society, I find his claims to be entirely correct. I mean it's self evident, really.

I feel like in my case, if the context requires me to hold something back, I should ask myself two questions:

a) Do I really need to?

b) Is it possible to express myself in a way that is contextually acceptable?

I have found in the past that if you unapologetically do whatever it is you want to do, especially with new people, they will often just accept that it is a part of your character and think no more of it. 

"Oh yeah James can be a bit of a dick to women, fucking them and then leaving them to die at the hands of some narcissist super-villain, but that's just James. Plus have you seen his car? Awesome!"

In fact I daresay that a few "flaws," or societally/socially undesirable character traits can make a person more interesting. As long as they are paid/balanced with valuable ones it doesn't seem to be a problem. I mean let's face it - the super nice are boring. Or at least the super nice who are repressing their nasty are boring. 

Oh btw this is all in relation to repression of sexuality in situations where it is not ok - ie. the girl has said no and I've become a big baby about it (as hard as I try not to be). A large part of the problem is the attachment of meaning. One of human's worst habits. Especially in regards to sex. 

In an effort to sell us alcohol, magazines and a whole other slew of things we don't need, the media has turned sex into the be all and end all of human existence. It's silly, really, but so deep rooted and permeant (should be a word!) that I think we have all been tarred by it at some point or another. 

Sex, simplified, is the insertion of penis into vagina. That's it. Nobody even needs to come if one of your name's is Sting and you're all tantric and badass. But in our society is has become a towering, malformed monstrosity of love, hate, passion, fear, validation, insecurity, aggression and judgment. For me it has been a trigger for my rejection complex. A symbol of the absence of love, and an off button for the rest of my charming personality, which once switched seems to go into full needy mode, where if my p is not put into a specific v post haste, I revert to childhood anger and feel entirely failed as a human being on planet Earth. Silly really, isn't it? And that's all on me. I have a strong neural pathway for attachment of meaning when it comes to women. Possibly/probably because when I was young all of my love, support and affection came from my dear mother. But I am an old boy now. Perhaps, relevance has just reared its elusive head, and going to meet my father today, these words actually have some contextual relevance. 

"The female intellect. Women's intellect is manifested as perfect control, presence of mind, and utilization of all advantages. They bequeath it as their fundamental character to their children, and the father furnishes the darker background of will. His influence determines the rhythm and harmony, so to speak, to which the new life is to be played out; but its melody comes from the woman.
To say it for those who know how to explain a thing: women have the intelligence, men the heart and passion. This is not contradicted by the fact that men actually get so much farther with their intelligence: they have the deeper, more powerful drives; these take their intelligence, which is in itself something passive, forward. Women are often privately amazed at the great honor men pay to their hearts. When men look especially for a profound, warm-hearted being, in choosing their spouse, and women for a clever, alert, and brilliant being, one sees very clearly how a man is looking for an idealized man, and a woman for an idealized woman--that is, not for a complement, but for the perfection of their own merits."

Nietzsche.

Seems legit.