Late night epiphanies

Just woke up from a dream.

Police catch me outside of a doof pockets full of drugs. Get me on the ground about to search me but they get distracted so I up and run jump over a fence into a huge dirt excavation site. Is dark and looks like a fall in but I don't. I make my way up the side and away as fast as possible, back to room, see cops coming throw drugs out window. Change and leave, evading them through some clever bush work. Running through doof looking for friends see cool looking people sitting on my right. I think hey what did I come here for? I say hey! Stop and talk. Guy and girl. Tell them how at last doofs I felt I wasn't connected enough and decided to change that this time. MDMA hits in. Girl's really pretty. I grow a large and obvious erection. Boy's like well you should probly do something about that. Girl start giving me head. I realise I haven't washed my penis. She grimaces and stops after a bit, rubbing off cheese with her hand. I apologise she says its fine (genuinely!) and goes to bathroom. I'm like hey I've got a story and start telling the guys about my police escape. I'm halfway through when bright lights flash on from the roof in front of me. Police jump down and cuff me. I maintain silence. They say a smart one eh? They pick me up and take me through the doof to the exit. I tell random girls I love them on the way. They tell me they love me too. Police say look at this guy. They put me in a helicopter and away to base. At base I get annoyed because I was being who I wanted to be at the at the festival and it was going to get me laid (precisely because I wasn't just thinking about getting laid. I shout out why am I even here!? Woman's all like what happened to your silence and I say I'm just annoyed because I should be back at the doof. She tells me well, drugs are illegal for a reason you know. She tells me how they found me - through CCTV because I was well dressed, thus implicating me with my group and the one that ran away earlier, and they thought they should check it out. She tells me about her auntie who lost it after 1 trip and asks whether I want my future children to see me as a vegetative mess. Jared et all are in the elevator. Family reunion!!

Moribund. Today at uni was one of the first times I have walked through life without thinking about how I'm being perceived (as a smaller part of my whole spider web of belief about how to get laid). It feels right.
It has come from editing and writing out the story of how I met Olivia and realising that the reason it was so perfect is because I wanted nothing from her. It was not necessarily her. Before I sat down the craving, wanting and hunger inside me had already reached a fever pitch to the point of bursting; become so overwhelming and painful that it did just that. Burst and broke, leaving me empty and wantless, and allowing me to be honest and real; that wonderful creature I hear about in fairy tales from the girls I haven't tried to fuck.
Today to some extent I stopped trying. Why put on this affectation for the benefit of others? Is it not a futile exercise? The pick up "gurus" would have me believe that you "fake it till you make it," but what the fuck is making it? Adopting some false persona magicked up by some geek who was bad was with girls, grew a pair and decided to sell it to the hungry world? Pretending to be Tom Cruise until you've tricked a woman into bed so that post coitus you can pull off your mask and be all "Taa daa! It was me all along! Now love me. I've put my penis in you, so love me." Or even worse to continue that macho facade through an entire relationship because that it what is expected of you. No. This is not right.
I don't think I ever considered the idea that I don't need to be trying to fuck everything with an insertion point, which is funny, because despite this constant sexual awareness, this constant act, I've never really hooked up much; and when I have it is almost universally because I wasn't thinking or worrying about it.
WOMEN ARE NOT WALKING FUCK JARS.
I found this article quite illuminating: http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html
I'm also starting to realise that from the way I was raised, and from my values and beliefs, I'm really not that kind of person. I mean don't get me wrong, sex is great, but the character which I have been adopting in my quest for it is simply not me. Fuck that shit. You know, for the most part, I don't actually put much effort into relationships. I enjoy other people's company in a non-obligatory way. I've been running around talking to girls, feeling this ridiculous pressure to captain the ship of conversation towards sex town when I HATE ULTERIOR MOTIVES IN CONVERSATIONS. I've been being the exact thing I despise in others. Wtf mate?
What else is funny is that in letting slip this notion that I need to be approaching and bedding hotties to live up to who I am as a man, I am actually feeling the bloom of desire to go and talk to girls I am legitimately interested in. And not just to try and fuck them, but simply because I feel an attraction, and that doesn't have to lead anywhere.
I asked myself on a piece of paper in my notebook today "What is it that intimidates me about attractive girls?" After a minute of mulling I decided it was something to do with commitment. It's also this notion that I need to be something different for their approval. But what first came to mind is a cognitive forward mapping; that I feel like if I make myself open and vulnerable to them it is going to lead to a commitment - a commitment I do not want to commit to because of the inherent responsibility, as if opening up = wedded for life. Also, fear of ultimate rejection. Ofc.
THERE IS NO OWNERSHIP BETWEEN PEOPLE.
I have never felt particularly obligated to people, even my friends. I do things for them because I want to and for no other reason. If I ever feel obligated I resent them for it, and this, I feel, is touching upon the key. I don't like feeling obligated. I currently feel obligated to live up to a certain Alpha male role, cool as fuck, show no weakness role, and I resent it. I feel obligated to open, to attract and to close, and I resent feeling like I have to do this. I resent it hard. Luckily, it has become illuminated, and will now, hopefully, become moribund.

nb.
Writing has been a big part of this. Reading and writing seems to be fulfilling me. Filling full the hole.
I am not obligated to be anything, for anyone. I do what I want! (Cartman voice