I need to regurgitate the sick from my mind, because it's going fucking crazy. I keep thinking about her. I do not want to. I have work to do, I have a life path to follow, this girl needs to get the fuck out of my head. I feel helpless against this pull towards her, and what's worse is that it's probably completely one-sided. This is irrational. Shelve it. I tried. Didn't work. Is the problem resistance perhaps? Or that my perspective is simply too close to it all? Can I zoom out? Can I sit on the grassy peak of the mountain and watch life flow by without attachment? Perhaps if I never see her again. It will fade and I will try to forget. At the same time, why am I denying my feelings? Why am I resisting what I want to do? Pen says some self-preservation is necessary. Perhaps she has a point, but I don't feel like I'm being preserved. I feel like I'm being torn apart by lions.

What can I do? What do I want to do? What should I do?

I need to revert to a different place. The way I feel now is sensitive, and I care far too much. I care so much that the actual enjoyment of my time around her is stifled by a need to be accepted and a fear of rejection. At the start it was completely different. I didn't care about rejection. She shut me down for like 3 hours straight until I finally won her over with my impetuous charm. Another problem is the big stinking pink elephant in the middle of the room. I told her how I feel, and she shut me down, and now we don't even mention it but we both know it's there. Does it need to be mentioned? Will it ever? Am I even going to se this girl again? Unless I make some kind of plans, probably not. I could see her contacting me some time in the next week, but I don't think it's particularly likely. Pen doesn't think I should invite her to my birthday. I can see why. If I do then the whole night will probably revolve around her, whereas if I don't I can actually enjoy myself. Would I though? My mind is a funny thing. I could end up being filled with only regret. Perhaps this won't be such a big deal once I give my mind time to cool down.

It feels good to get this down. Ok so I fucked G on Saturday. Bron was around and she probably knew at some point in the night. I saw her see me a couple times earlier in the night when I was being mega social and hanging with girls. How would that affect her? She'd be a bit jealous. She came over at one point and asked where Lorren was. I showed her, but she didn't leave right away. Man, I see absolutely nothing when she's around. Why do I even like her? Time with her makes me fall apart. This isn't even something I want!!! This helpless, hopeless feeling is not cool!! Yet somehow, I become completely ensared by it, and fruitlessly want her, perpetuating this completely hopeless cycle of angst and self-loathing. This pattern and this feeling isn't even helpful! I may as well be stabbing myself in the face with a rusty fork.

So what do I even want?
I want to express the way I feel to her, completely. This would no doubt scare her shitless. lol wtf. This situation is completely ridiculous dude. You just have to laugh at it. It's hilarious. In ten years you're going to look back on current dan and laugh. I have turned completely choady. I'm gonna look back and think "man...I was fucking crazy." I'm going to look back at pictures of Bron and facepalm the shit out of myself. "Right...so you failed second year because you were hung up over some smartass 18 year old girl, great going genius." I am taking this far too seriously. She's just a girl, and these feelings are completely comedic. They don't deserve as much attention as they get. If you never see her again you're going to be completely fine. Your mind may keep thinking about her, but it's really not as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Right now you have a focus. An important one. You want to be a fucking architect. It is time to take action. It is time to crush this course through sheer willpower. It is time to hunt for the ultima cheese. Sacrifice these superfluous rantings of your mind and realise what is important. Honestly dude, it's not Bron.

Stay positive, and act through your own intentions.