What do I feel?

Bret Easton Ellis talks about his first draft as a figuring out of the narrator. What does he feel/think about/do?  The answers to these questions ultimately come down to how I am feeling at this point in time. So how am I feeling?

Annoyed at my keyboard for starters. The backspace and shift keys are sticky so that when I try and edit a word I often take down a whole sentence, like some maniacal butcher of prose.

Unsure as to whether I'm going to have the gumption to pull through and make a success of myself as a writer.

Socially quite confident. Going out repeatedly has thickened my skin and I feel it will only get thicker. I look forward to meeting girls sober during dry July. I feel like I am learning a lot about the art of seduction. A few of the things I've picked up recently:

- Commitment is huge. If you go in 100% committed to having an interaction, no weakness of step, it will go well. Rob said it is 1/3 of an approach (the others being vibe and logistics), and that seems fair to me. I walked straight up and sat down with a girl the other night at Bowler Bar. She looked a little shocked at first, but I could feel as she watched me approach that my assuredness would blow any hesitations straight out of the water.

- Escalation. I kissed two girls on Saturday, both pretty sexy. The first was a matter of getting closer, touching, then moving in. I actually asked both of them if I could kiss them, which worked out fine although I could definitely feel there's a better way to go about it. The keys came down to closing the space, and talking as I did it. When I asked the second girl to sit closer to me I could see she was hesitant for a moment, but acquiesced as I kept on spouting words, implying that it was cool and no big deal. When we were kissing one thing that happened was that she got into it, aggressive, and I felt the need to reciprocate. That was reactionary and not necessary. In fact, if anything her being more aggressive is what I want. I should not realign my behaviour to please her. Still, she was a pretty sweet kisser, and there's a good chance I could've taken her home if I'd pursued it.

- Patience. This is one thing that I was lacking. The patience to sit back and enjoy the interaction, letting that attraction and tension build to a fever pitch. In my defence I am incredibly horny right now on account of banning myself from porn. I would like to work on building that desire in the girl till she's ravenous, hungry, desiring. I think this will come from pacing of escalation. Teasing with escalation. Giving a little bit and then pulling back as if playing with a cat. Pushing and pulling. Flattering and teasing. Building tension and then releasing it just to taunt her. Yes, this all sounds perfect. I need no other authority than myself. I know the game, I know myself and I know women. This will work, and it will be fun :]

That is probably the most fulfilling area of my life right now. I would like to be saving some money but I'm not doing a very good job of it. Perhaps it is time to start budgeting.       


Other things on my mind:


Am I getting too old for this shit? ie. doofs and going out. Maybe soon, but not yet. I can't help but feel my Facebook is indicative of a much younger person. But then who cares about that. Bleck.


Seduction as playing the game to keep on playing the game. That's Zen man. Recent conquests have been wonderful, but quite result driven. To win hearts the game must be lived in the moment. For the sake of play. A realisation when texting Emily is that with a lot of the girls I grow to like I try and define the relationship instantly, and that doesn't give either of us any space to manoeuvre or let attraction grow. Also is a bit needy.


Pretty tired of being sick. Stop smoking you asshole.


If I'm going to be honest I don't feel anything particularly strongly right now. Perhaps the yearning ache in my testicles, but in terms of the real torque of emotion I don't think that really counts. Maybe a quiet longing for a female who I respect and can happily spend some time with. Of course prior to that comes finding her and not messing it up with instant text letters of adoration. I guess that's really what I'm working towards right now - mastery of my game to a point where I feel confident in attracting the ones that I want. In terms of that goal I'm right on path. 
      

N.B. Emily responded somewhat favourably to my message of interest Died off with talk of necrophilia. lol.