Hey what's crackin? I have a big list of things to do today, one of which is setting myself a focus for the next three days, which is why I'm here. I just read through head gremlins. Good piece. Needs a little editing, perhaps some clearer analogies, but all in all I think it is quite charming and concise. I've been thinking that showing it to Bronwen would be cool, because she obviously chastises herself a lot, but unfortunately it somewhat revolves around her so I can't. Well, I can, but it might be kinda weird. I may edit some bits out of it and show her. Or I may continue to erase her from my mind. We'll see. I don't know!! Losing attachment has certainly been healthy for my mind, but she is still the only girl I think about.

As the old demon catcher said in my dream last night - "How did he become ensnared by such a little demon?"

Had a fascinating, in depth conversation with my mum on the drive home yesterday. We talked about many things, but the ones that stood out to me were self-esteem and centering.

She talked about how she spent a long time trying to improve, and be someone or something else, until one day she bared her heart and soul to God, and understood on a deep level herself from his perspective. She said she realised that everything she was had been right there all along, and by truly accepting everything, flaws, faults and all, she realised that there was nobody she "needed" to be. She just "needed" to be herself.

This notion certainly has applications for myself. In truth, I get in moods where I am the most charming, awesome person I can possibly be, and am universally loved. I am not pulling any techniques, or making any moves; I have simply accepted myself and decided to express my thoughts and feelings to those around me in the midst of having fun. These moments of glory have not been "learned." They have always been there. In fact, when they come about, tactics are almost irrelevant. In truth, understanding the terrain of the social environment and how to navigate it, actually becomes magnified in this state, making for even more power, but it is not the shining light itself.

The question, then, lies in how to make my "state" permanent. A topic I believe I have brushed upon a few times before. I think Tyler says general thought habits and moods plays a big part. I have already been sculpting my mind for a long time, so I believe I am well along that path (still need to weed out the gremlins). I think that self-acceptance has a massive part in it too. If I accept myself for all of my positives and my negatives, my charms and my flaws, then I have nothing to worry about. Being relaxed and unattached to the world = personal happiness. IMO.

The paradox here is whether or not I can keep pushing the sisyphean boulder up the mountain while accepting myself and the moment. I think I can. Self improvement is one of my passions; it is undeniable. The trick is to fully acknowledge what I am as complete, but then to understand that more can still be added. Like a drawing almost. A freehand sketch can be completely beautiful and complete in its own right, but it can still be painted. It will not be the sketch anymore, but the form will be the same...interesting analogy. I think the difference is that in life you can't stand still and be the same forever. Lines will be smudged and coffee will be spilled, so you need to keep on working at it and see what you can make of it.


Well my goals from last week kind of fell by the wayside when I visited my grandparents. I've been pretty good with doing pushups though. The new focus is appreciation. I will write bout it momentarily. Gonna play some guitar first. In Juggler's book it talks more about showing genuine interest than it does for appreciation. The idea, however, is that you prompt somebody to make an effort, and then you reward them for it by showing appreciation.